The First Cut is the Deepest
by maymay8105
Summary: Set after 5x22. We all know Callie has a dark and twisty side, but what happens when the new woman in her life comes face to face with it? Arizona has always been a "good man in a storm," but when she's faced with the biggest storm yet, will her love for Callie be enough? **Trigger warning: Contains material relating to self-harm and suicide.**
1. Chapter 1

It was their night, hers and Arizona's. What started out as the day from hell was turning into one of the best days Callie had had in a really long time.

Just the feeling of Arizona's lips brushing against her own was enough to push Callie over the edge. She wanted Arizona, and she wanted her now. Already having stripped the blonde of her dress, Callie was fighting her impulse to just take Arizona right up against the doorframe to her apartment. No. They had to slow down. She wanted to enjoy this, take her time, and really bask in the beauty of the wonderful woman before her. But it had been so long. Callie didn't know if she could wait much longer.

Intoxicating. Callie was simply intoxicating. After last night Arizona wasn't sure if she and Callie would even make it, but they were barely inside Callie's apartment and she was already—wow, she couldn't even believe it—half naked with the door wide open.

Slamming the door to Callie's apartment, Arizona entangled herself from Callie grasp to catch her breath. More than that, she wanted to really take a look at the woman she was falling—had already fallen—in love with. Those soft chocolate eyes, curly raven locks, and those hands. Callie's hands were miraculous. Up until now Arizona had only been able to admire their surgical skills, but what Callie's hands were doing to her right now…

"Calliope. Please." Arizona was never one to beg, but Callie's hands had moved dangerously close to her mound and she didn't know how much more she could take.

"Skin. I need to feel you. I _need _to feel you against me. _Calliope_." Screw being a badass peds resident. Arizona needed Callie and she needed her NOW.

Never in a million years did Callie think that hearing her given name would elicit such a strong reaction. Just the way her name rolled off Arizona's lips—_Calliope_—did things to her that she never could have imagined.

They were almost to her room. Slowly losing articles of clothing, shoes, etc. as they moved from the entrance to Callie and Cristina's apartment. (Cristina's gonna be pissed tomorrow when she walks in and sees this mess after all the crap I've given her about keeping the apartment clean. Callie thought to herself) But it didn't matter because the sounds coming from Arizona right now were more than worth what Cristina might say to her tomorrow.

"_Skin. I need to feel you. I need to feel you against me. Calliope."_ If there was any doubt in her mind before, Arizona erased it from Callie's mind as she reached around Callie's back to unzip the dress she had been wearing.

Both now in just their undergarments, Callie moaned as her caramel skin touched Arizona's soft white skin.

Pleased with how just touching Callie caused such a glorious sound; Arizona gently led them over to the bed in the middle of the room. Callie's bed.

She liked to be in control. The fact that Callie was a "newborn" certainly made it easier, but Arizona could barely think. Callie's hands were on her back, pulling her down onto the bed. Before she knew it, Arizona was at the mercy of the beautiful Latina. Sure she was on top, but they both knew that Callie was in control of the room.

Easing herself between the Latina's legs, Arizona tried to regain some sense of control. But Callie knew what she was doing. Her smooth caramel legs wrapped around Arizona's waist pulling them even closer together.

"Wait." Arizona said. "I want to look at you."

"There'll be plenty of time for that later Arizona. Right now I want to-" Without any warning, Callie's hands were down Arizona's underwear, tearing it off actually, and right up against her throbbing clit.

"Fuck. Calliope." Arizona nearly lost her balance above Callie as her arms buckled to the feeling of Callie touching her. "Harder. Faster." Moaning over and over. Arizona was sure she'd come within minutes and Callie wasn't even inside of her yet.

Suddenly, the movement of Callie's hands stopped. Arizona opened her eyes and was met with a devilish grin from the woman beneath her. "You like that huh?" Callie said, maybe a little too cocky. "Tell me how much you want it."

"Please. Calliope. _Please, I can't. I need_." It was all Arizona could do just to form words and Callie wanted her to tell her? So instead of using words, Arizona crashed her mouth against the Latina's eliciting an excited moan of her own.

"Fuck me Calliope." And that was all Callie needed. Flipping themselves over so Arizona was on the bottom now, Callie shoved two fingers in as far as she could and began quickly thrusting in and out. Arizona's hands held tightly onto the headboard as she began to come. Just before she reached the highest point, Callie mouth caught hold of one of the blonde's breasts. Sucking hard, Callie felt Arizona's center tighten as she spilled over the edge.

Callie could not get enough of the woman underneath of her. Those big beautiful eyes, her super magic smile, and those sweet tender lips; lips that were now moving their way from Callie's shoulder to her jawline.

"_Arizona_" Callie moaned. Opening her eyes she was met with those bright baby blues.

"You're no fair Calliope. I've wanted to feel you all day and you just take control of me like that." Unsure how to respond, Callie leaned back slightly to get a better look of the blonde's whole face.

Seeing confusion rising in the Latina, Arizona quickly continued. "It felt, you feel, so good. Perfect."

"So much for being a newborn" Callie laughed.

"Yea, well now it's your turn" Arizona said as she flipped them back over to their original position. She liked being on top, it was such a wonderful view—not that being underneath Calliope (middle-name-still-tbd) Torres was anything to complain about—but Arizona needed to be a better position for what she was about to do to Callie.

Finding herself now beneath the incredibly sexy blonde, Callie felt her legs being spread as Arizona slipped one leg between them. The Latina was so wet already and she could feel Arizona's wetness against her left thigh.

Callie slowly let out a breath. She knew Arizona had been with women before so the fact that the blonde wasn't already running away meant she had at least done something right so far. But Callie was new to this. She'd had good sex, even great sex before, but she wanted Arizona to be more than just that. She wanted it to be just as Arizona had said, " Perfect."


	2. Chapter 2

"What's that?" Arizona asked as she slowly moved her hand toward the band aid on Callie's right hip.

"Nothing." Frozen in fear, Callie tried to think of an excuse but her soft brown eyes betrayed her before she got the chance. How could she possibly explain what was beneath the band aid? Arizona lived in a world of butterflies and magic fairy dust, she would never be able to understand the dark and twisted side of Calliope Torres.

_(Earlier that day)_

"_Maybe this was just a fling that's run its course. Maybe it's over."_

"_Maybe it is." The words came out of Callie's mouth so fast she didn't even realize what she said until she saw Arizona's face fall. She couldn't think about this now. Arizona would just have to wait, Callie had an ER to run and crash victims were still pouring in._

_It was her day off—correction, it was supposed to be her day off—but there she was, working the ER. Not exactly how the Latina wanted to spend the day, but her bank account was empty. She had no choice but to work on her day off. So much for following her heart._

_Last night was supposed to be special. It was supposed to be their night, hers and Arizona's, but they went to a fancy restaurant; the nicest restaurant in Seattle. The salad she ordered cost $26.95 and the wine Arizona got cost $25 a bottle. Before they brought over the check Callie had been calculating in her head how she was going to buy food for the rest of the week when her half was $75. But then the bill came and Arizona had paid. While that was a relief, the fact that she had been in the situation in the first place had Callie extremely frustrated._

_So here she was, working in the ER on her day off, probably breaking up with her girlfriend—or whatever she and Arizona were calling themselves—and without an outlet to let off some steam. Callie was never one to smoke and she couldn't exactly take a shot of tequila to take the edge off while she was working, then that all too familiar feeling crept up on her and she knew what would give her that release._

_She needed to cut._

_It had been a couple weeks, maybe a month, since Callie had last cut. Since she had been kissed by a breathtaking blonde in a bar bathroom. Arizona made her want to be better, want to be whole again. So Callie quit, cold turkey, and hadn't missed it a day since. Until today._

_Now that her reason for stopping was walking away, Callie did the one thing that could do._

_She had covered it up with a band aid, like always, just in case she needed to quickly change scrubs. Callie had just laid down on an open gurney when Arizona approached._

"_I just wanted you to know that I am hurt. I am hurt and I am angry…"_

Furrowing her brow, Arizona asked again, "Calliope, what's with the band aid?"

Knowing she wouldn't be able to come up with a plausible excuse, Callie sat up and took Arizona's hands in her own. "Arizona, it's—"

"Callie, you're scaring me. I'm a surgeon. I've seen all sorts of cuts and scrapes. Just let me take a look."

"Arizona—" before Callie could even finish her sentence, the blonde's hand was touching the band aid, causing the brunette to hiss in pain. The cuts were just a few hours old, still really tender to the touch. She hadn't thought about it, or even really felt it, when they were having sex—too many other things on her mind—but now that her body was relaxed, the throbbing had returned. And the itching, that was always the worst part.

"Callie, what did you do?" Arizona asked. Her soft blue eyes, full of concern, searched for a reason in the eyes of her lover but came up empty. "Please, just tell me. What happened?"

Sighing, Callie knew the blonde wasn't going to let it go. So she took a deep breath and ripped off the band aid revealing the newly carved butterfly on her hip.

**I know this one is a little shorter, but I decided that I wanted to get another chapter out before Thursday because the ideas were just flowing through my head. Enjoy! Feedback is always welcome **


	3. Chapter 3

Stunned into silence, Arizona's jaw dropped nearly to the floor. It's like her brain couldn't take in what her eyes were seeing.

_Not Callie. Not her Calliope. She's hardcore, badass, a freaking orthopedic surgeon for goodness sake! Her eyes must be deceiving her because the Calliope Torres she knew, the woman she was falling for, couldn't possibly. This isn't what it looks like. I can't even—_

Seeing Arizona's face change from shock to confusion to fear, Callie tried to break the silence. "Arizona—"

"Don't. Calliope, just give me a minute." Arizona's vibrant blue eyes met the intense brown ones of the beautiful Latina in front of her. She knew her voice sounded harsh, but her eyes betrayed her as she tried to process what she was seeing. Her eyes filling with tears, Arizona knew she shouldn't be the one so upset, but seeing Callie so hurt—knowing the emotions that have to be going through a person's head when they do such a thing—it broke Arizona's heart.

"Hhh-how? Why?" Was all Arizona could come up with before the tears spilled over. She just couldn't understand. _How could someone so beautiful, so miraculous, with such a gift—my god, she's a fucking doctor!—how could this happen?! _

Getting up out of bed and slipping on some sweats and a t-shirt, Arizona started pacing frantically by the foot of Callie's bed. Every doctor she could think of has had at least one patient with scars from self-harm. As a pediatric surgeon, Arizona had seen more than her fair share of kids come in with scars on their wrists. But that was just it, these weren't scars. These were cuts, fresh cuts; they hadn't even had time to scab over yet. So that means what? Callie had to have done this sometime earlier today?! Just the thought makes her skin crawl.

Callie couldn't tell what was going on in Arizona's head. She'd never seen the blonde react so intensely over anything before. The frantic pacing back and forth was starting to make Callie a little dizzy, so she stood up and stepped into Arizona's pacing circle. Apparently not even registering, the change, Arizona just stopped in place but continued mumbling to herself.

Wanting to reestablish some sort of connection with the blonde, Callie took a slow step closer to Arizona. Seeing no reaction, the brunette cautiously wrapped her arms around Arizona, hoping to ground her and bring her back into reality.

Finally gaining a little control over her tears, Arizona pulled back from the hug Callie had pulled her into at some point during her pacing. Not quite ready to look the brunette in the eye, the blonde took a deep breath in through her nose and slowly out of her mouth. Grabbing Callie's hands in her own and sitting them back on the bed, Arizona lifted her head to see Callie anxiously waiting for whatever was to come next.

"Arizona, you don't have to say anything. You can just go if you want. You didn't ask for any of this. I'm sorry. This isn't who I wanted to be for you. You deserve—"

"Just shut up." Arizona interrupted.

"What?" Callie questioned, quite taken aback by the sharp response by the woman in front of her.

"Just shut up Calliope. I'm not going anywhere. And don't you dare tell me what I do and don't deserve." Realizing that her tone wasn't exactly portraying the pain and love her heart was feeling, Arizona took another deep breath before she continued. "I'm not going anywhere. Calliope, please, just talk to me."

Callie's gaze fell to her hands, still held by Arizona's, as she thought about how to respond. She'd been in this situation before and the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when someone asks about your cuts, it's horrible. As soon as the words come out of their mouth your heart stops and stomach does a thousand flips.

She didn't want to lie to Arizona, but _how_ could she tell her the truth? It would break her heart.

Slowly Callie looked back up into the soft blue eyes of Arizona Robbins. "I'm going to say some things and I need you to listen without freaking out or trying to commit me to psych. This isn't that. This isn't me trying to kill myself. Before I explain anything, you _need_ to know that. I _need _you to believe that."

"Okay," Arizona said, still uneasy.

"And I'm sure—I know—you have questions, but just let me get through this because I can see the pain in your eyes and if I have to hear it in your voice I don't know how I'll get through the rest. So please, please just let me get this all out."

Arizona nodded slowly, anxiously waiting for whatever Callie about to say.


	4. Chapter 4

**Callie's POV**

When I woke up the next morning I wasn't surprised to find the spot in bed next to me empty. The sheets were cool to the touch, so I could tell that Arizona had been gone a while. I wasn't sure what I expected from her, but it certainly wasn't this.

It's been four days. Four days since I've seen Arizona—apart from the glimpses I get of her as she wheels around the PEDs ward—and I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't have told her as much as I did. Granted, I didn't share everything with her, like the fact that Mark and Cristina know that I've done this before and didn't say anything, or the fact that just by seeing her smile at me with her super magic smile I was finding the strength to stop.

That's a lot of pressure to put on one person. I couldn't tell her that she's the reason I wanted to get better. The reason I stopped cutting in the first place. Because from what I could see in her eyes, she thinks she's the reason I did it in the first place. I could see it in her eyes. She blamed herself. I just wish I knew how to tell her.

**Arizona's POV**

It's been four days. Four days since I ran away; leaving nothing but an imprint of my body in her bed. I know I shouldn't have run, but I needed time to process things. When I kissed that beautiful brunette in the bathroom at Joe's, never in a million years did I see myself falling in love.

Arizona Robbins doesn't fall in love. She's a hardcore PEDs surgeon. But here I am, in love with this miraculous woman. A woman who's a little rough around the edges, but someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. But what am I doing? I'm hiding from her. Hiding because four nights ago Calliope Torres opened her world to me, but I ran away without even saying goodbye.

How could she possibly still want me after that?

**Four days ago (general POV)**

"_And I'm sure—I know—you have questions, but just let me get through this because I can see the pain in your eyes and if I have to hear it in your voice I don't know how I'll get through the rest. So please, please just let me get this all out."_

_Arizona nodded slowly, anxiously waiting for whatever Callie about to say._

"I know the risks. I've seen the statistics: 90% of self-injury individuals begin harming themselves during their teen years or younger. The number of ER visits for self-inflicted injury was more than 650,000 last year alone. I knew what I was getting myself into when this started, I'm goddamn doctor. But I just, I was just—into too deep to care."

Taking a deep breath, Callie continued.

"After the whole George cheated on me, it started. I took up the habit that had always terrified me as a young person. I've seen too many friends hurt, too many patients come in; it wasn't something I'd ever considered. Until the night I found out about George and Izzie.

"It was just supposed to be a shower to calm down, but my legs were hairy so I decided to shave. I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I was still hot, that George cheating on me would be the worst mistake he ever made. I should've known that shaving while hysterical wouldn't end well, but I just wasn't thinking clearly. The feeling of the razor blade as it sliced open my calf offered a strange, unexpected feeling of relief. It wasn't even until I saw the floor of the shower stall turn red that it even registered that I was bleeding."

Arizona took Callie's hands in her own and slowly started tracing circles over the backs of them. The Latina paused, looking up at the blonde, but Arizona couldn't make herself look into Callie's soft brown eyes. She knew that if she looked up even for a second that the tears would spill over from. Callie needed to get through this and Arizona couldn't let her tears stop the brunette. After a few more moments of silence, Callie continued.

"After that night cutting became a new way to relax. As a doctor I understood what I was doing was dangerous, but I couldn't—I just couldn't think—I couldn't feel. Cutting makes me not feel."

Tears started spilling from Arizona's bright blue eyes onto the hands in their laps. Arizona let go for just a moment to wipe her eyes, but Calliope quickly lifted the blonde's head with her own hands to gently wipe the tears from Arizona's face.

"I'm sorry Arizona. We don't have to do this. You never asked for this—"

"Stop, please Callie. Just tell me. I need to—I want to—I'm not going anywhere." Arizona said interrupting her, willing her to continue. Callie finished wiping the tears in Arizona's eyes, took a deep breath and continued the story.

"When Erica and I became friends, I was no longer in the dark place divorcing George had put me in, so the cutting just stopped. But after Erica, I became more dependent on it than ever. It was like I couldn't get enough of it. I cut at home, during work, and even in the bathroom at Joe's if I couldn't wait until I got home. I knew the first time that I cut at Joe's that this is what addiction feels like, but by then I was in too deep to care."

"So is that what you were—" Arizona started to ask.

"But then you kissed me in the bathroom at Joe's. I had just rinsed my face and was prepping to pull the small blade out of my back pocket when you walked into the bathroom. You stopped me from doing to myself what I had done so many times before. I walked out of that bathroom with something I hadn't had in a really long time—and it's all because of you Arizona. You gave me a gift that day, the gift of hope."

"So why?" The blonde questioned, gesturing toward Callie's right hip. "Why now?"

"Because I thought I'd lost you!" Callie exasperated. "I know we haven't been dating long, but I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. My family's disowned me, I'm broke, I was working in the ER on my day off just so I'd have money to buy food this week—and you were bombarding me with questions about why I ate a freaking salad! I just couldn't—people were dying on my watch and I was fried. You asked if we were just a fling, if it was over—and before I knew it I'd said the worst thing imaginable.

"I hurt you Arizona." Callie said trying to get Arizona's gaze to meet her own. "I was just starting to come back to life and I thought I ruined my chances of ever having you in my life. I just needed a release; a way to stop feeling. People were dying on my watch and all I could think about was how I'd hurt you. But I didn't have time for that because those kids, those kids needed me, and I couldn't focus because I had just hurt one of the most important people in my life."

Trying to catch her breath, Callie paused for a moment; just long enough for Arizona's mind to begin to process.

"So the butterfly—" Arizona began to ask.

Taking her hands back, Callie turned to face away from Arizona. She wasn't sure how to respond to the blonde's inquiry. The Latina had been pretty honest up until this point—except for the part about Cristina and Mark knowing—but now, now came the hardest part. Arizona knew Callie had a dark and twisty side, but this is more than living-in-the-basement-of-the-hospital dark and twisty. This is Meredith-drowning-in-the-bay-seeing-a-dead-Denny dark and twisty. Callie had carved a butterfly into her flesh because she wanted to always have something that reminded her of Arizona—even if it was just a scar.

"I'm an artist," Callie lied. "Instead of making straight lines, I made a design. I didn't know it was a butterfly until I was already done."

"Oh." Arizona said softly. She could tell there was more that Callie wasn't saying, but she didn't want to push the subject.

Turning back around to face Arizona completely, Callie touched the side of the blonde's face and smiled softly. "I know you probably have lots of questions, but can we talk about it later? I have rounds at 5 and it's already, wow, 2:30 in the morning."

Arizona nodded, still trying to grasp everything that Callie had told her. "Yes, we'll talk Calliope. Goodnight."

Crawling under the covers together, Callie and Arizona quickly fell asleep.

That was four days ago.

**Hey guys, I know this was a longer chapter. Hope you stuck around to read the whole thing. Please feel free to send me any feedback or possible suggestions on how to continue. My creative juices are starting to run dry and I have a few papers due over the next week, but hopefully I'll have another update ready for you soon! ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Callie's POV**

"I need to talk to her Mark." Slamming a chart down on the desk at the nurses' station my rant continued. "It's been a week and she hasn't even texted me. I knew this whole thing was going to blow up in my face!"

It had been almost 8 whole days since I woke up to an empty apartment. Eight days since I talked to Arizona face-to-face. I sent her a text message a few days ago, but never got a reply. I had had such high hopes. Arizona said she wanted to know—needed to know—because she cared about me, but then she just ran. And it's been eight days.

Trying to get my best friend's attention, I waved my hand in front of Mark's seemingly uninterested face. "Hellllooo? Earth to Mark! I'm having a crisis here. Stop staring at Little Grey and HELP ME!"

"Huh? What? Sorry Cal. What's up?" Mark replied, finally conscious of his surroundings. "Blondie still hasn't talked to you? Damn! She was a hot one."

"Not the point Mark, so not the point. She saw one of my cuts Mark—"

"So? Those things are more than a month old; she can't blame you for your past. I'm sure she's got skeletons in that Barbie closet of hers." Mark replied coolly.

Pulling him into the nearest on-call room to avoid further distractions and possible eavesdropping, I countered, "That's just it Mark. They're not that old, these ones are—" (raising my shirt to uncover the newly etched butterfly)

"HOLY SHIT CAL! What the fuck happened?!" Mark loudly exclaimed. Somewhat regaining control, he grabbed my hands and gave me a hard look in the eyes. "I thought you had stopped this. You said when you'd met Arizona that you'd stopped. Is this because—"

"No, before she stopped talking to me." I quickly interjected.

"Before?" Mark questioned, completely confused. "But why Cal?"

"It doesn't matter why Mark. What matters is she saw it and ran. Well, she had me explain first but in the morning when I woke up, she was just—gone." Sinking into the nearest chair, I pulled my feet up to my chest and let out a heavy sigh. "I didn't even get a chance to tell her that it's been getting better. All she saw were the fresh cuts. It's a fucking butterfly Mark! When she asked why, I didn't have the heart to explain it." Pulling my legs even tighter into my chest, tears started filling my eyes.

Sitting on the arm of my chair, Mark carefully placed his arm around my shoulder. "Cal, I'm gonna need more to go on than that. I need to know why it happened. You could've come to me; we could've talked through it. And the whole butterfly thing, I don't understand. It's always been lines, why a butterfly?"

Lifting my body up a little, I leaned into Mark's sideways embrace. "It was the day I was working in the ER. She took me out to that fancy restaurant the night before and it, it didn't go well. She didn't understand the money thing and before I knew it I told her it was over. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, but I thought I'd lost her. Kids were dying everywhere and I was just too fried to focus. I needed to focus, to get rid of all the feelings that were getting in the way of me doing my job. So I cut. I made it into a butterfly because I guess in some twisted way I felt like Arizona would always be with me. That it'd be a reminder of what I'd lost, of what I was too messed up and unworthy to have.

"I didn't think she'd come back and talk to me, tell me that things were gonna be okay, but she did. She came back and we talked. I told her about the money and she understood. She was there; looking at me with her piercing blue eyes, warming my soul. But then she saw the band aid and wouldn't let it go. I told her I was an artist, that the butterfly was just a product of my creativity."

Exhausted, I slumped back into the chair, staring at the opposite wall while Mark processed all that I had just said. "Cal, I just—I don't know what to—I'm sorry. I wish I could make this easier on you. I wish Blondie would get her head on straight and just talk to you. I wish you could see what I see and not feel the need to do this to yourself."

"It's okay Mark. Really, I'll just go back to being the badass ortho resident with no life outside of the hospital. I did it when Erica left and I can do it again." (_My beeper goes off_) "Well, gotta go. It's 911 in the pit." I quickly pop up, trying to get the adrenaline pumping.

"Okay, Cal. I'll see you later." Mark says with a half-smile as I head toward the door.

"See ya. Oh, and Mark, thanks."

**General POV**

"You paged Karev?" Arizona asked rolling into the ER.

"Yea, we've got an 8 year old coming in, tried to fly off the roof of his parent's two-story house; multiple broken bones and fractures, probably some internal injuries. I've already paged ortho, Dr. Torres should be here any minute."

"Did you say—" Arizona started to say, but got her answer as Callie rushed into the ER to meet Karev.

"Karev! What do you have for me?" Callie says, avoiding all possible eye contact with the blonde standing just next to Karev.

"An 8 year old, tried to fly; multiple broken bones and fractures. I was just updating Dr. Robbins. The ambulance should be here any minute." Karev said. Noticing the awkwardness between the two, he quickly hands Robbins the chart. "I've got to get back in there, you two need anything just page me." And just like that, Arizona and Callie were left alone.

"So, um. About the other night—" Arizona begins.

"We really don't need to do this now. You've made it perfectly clear that you don't want anything to do with me. Let's just get through this case and go our separate ways okay." Callie quickly interjected, careful not to make eye contact for fear of Arizona realizing her true feelings.

"Calliope, I—" Arizona started, trying to say something—anything, her eyes filling up with tears.

"Don't. Just don't, okay. Don't Calliope me; don't pretend like you give a shit. It's been eight days Arizona. EIGHT fucking DAYS!" Releasing her breath slowly, the brunette continued starting to turn around. "You know what? I'll—I'll just meet you inside. I'll call radiology and let them know to be waiting once the kid gets here."

"Dammit."


	6. Chapter 6

**Arizona's POV**

"_Dammit." _

Pull yourself together Arizona; you're a good man in a storm. You can do this. You can save this kid and then you can work on getting Callie back.

I exhaled quickly, feeling my chest tighten as tears welled up in my eyes. But the tears would have to wait, the ambulance sirens were getting louder. Callie and I have to work together today to make sure this kid was alright. After—then we'll talk.

_**A few hours later**_

"Jake's stable for now. Just keep an eye on him and let me know when he wakes up. I'll want Shepherd to do a neuro exam just to make sure he won't suffer any permanent brain damage." I told Karev as they exited the OR. After seven hours in surgery to stabilize Jake's tibia fracture and fix his perforated bowel and the punctured lung from his broken ribs, I was exhausted.

We nearly lost him in the OR. Teddy had to be called in to crack Jake's chest because his heart had stopped suddenly during the procedure. Without oxygen to his brain for almost 2 minutes, I'm worried about what the post-op neuro exam would show; only time would tell.

Callie had been miraculous. Her hands were flying as she stabilized Jake's tibia and set the broken bones in both of his arms. He'd need quite a bit of rehab, but Callie said she thought he'd make a full recovery. When Jake first came into the ER I thought we'd need a miracle to keep him alive through the procedure. Now only if God could give me another miracle. That's what it's going to take to get Calliope to listen to me.

As soon as Callie scrubbed out she was gone. I know she'd on call tonight, so she can't have gone far, but when Callie wants to hide she knows how to do it; she lived here in the hospital for a while after all.

Roaming the halls searching for Callie, my mind started to race.

_I can't lose her over this. I was stupid, and scared, and I ran. It's what I do\. It's what I've always done. But I need to make it up to her. I need to make her see that I'm tired of running, that I want her, that I need her. I know it's been eight days—almost nine now; I didn't need that long to process, but after running away I didn't know if she'd even want me to come back. _

_It might take a miracle, but miracles happen every day. Just like the fairy dust in my kids' IV bags. My patients have hope and make wishes, they believe in miracles; it's about time I started to too because I'm going to need one if I'm ever going to get Callie ba—_

Turning the corner into PEDs, I was shocked to find Callie standing at the desk talking to Karev.

"Jake's gonna be in for a world of pain, but make sure his parents know that it's normal. If they have any questions, feel free to page me. I'm on call tonight." Callie's back was to me, but I saw her body stiffen as Karev glanced in my direction. She turned to face me and made like she was going to walk away, but I caught her by the arm.

"Calliope, I—" I started to say.

"Not here, Arizona." Callie interrupted. "Third floor on-call room, fifteen minutes."

It was more a demand than a request. I still had a few more post-ops to do, but I couldn't not show up. This was my chance to get Callie back, my only chance.

"Karev! You want in on my bowel reconstruction tomorrow?" Alex nodded hesitantly. "Then you'll finish my post-ops. I'll be back later to check in." Flashing him a somewhat uneasy smile, I turned and headed off toward the third floor on-call room.

**Callie's POV**

"_Third floor on-call room, fifteen minutes." _That gave me less than ten minutes to figure out what I was going to say to her; Arizona was always early so I knew I wouldn't have too long to think of something.

She'd run away. Granted, I knew she would probably need a little time to process—Mark didn't talk to me for almost 15 hours—but eight days seemed a little excessive. Arizona's bubbly and perky and optimistic, maybe she just can't handle it. Cristina's one of the twisted sisters so of course it didn't bother her, and Mark, well, he's my best friend he just gets it. I thought—I hoped Arizona would too. I guess I was wrong.

Damn, only six more minutes. What the hell am I going to say? Pacing back and forth in the on-call room I continue my internal monologue.

_I'm so angry with her for not being there, for not having the guts to talk to me, but I'm even angrier with myself for not being strong enough, good enough, worthy enough. I guess deep down I knew she wouldn't stay; she's too good for someone like me. She's beautiful, smart, breathtaking. I should have known better._

_I was 34 days clean—34 days—and now I'm 8, well 7, okay 2. Two days clean. Arizona gave me hope, but it looks like that hope is dying right along with our relationship. I should've just told her, told her what the butterfly meant. At least then she'd know how much she means to me, how much I wanted to be better for her, for us. Then it wouldn't be over._

"I don't want it to be over."

**Arizona's POV**

"_I don't want it to be over." _I said quietly, closing the door to the on-call room the rest of the way. I'm pretty sure I wasn't meant to hear all of that, but the door was slightly open, I didn't want anyone else to overhear so I just slipped in undetected.

"I don't want it to be over either." I repeated, trying to give Callie time to calm down a bit.

As I cautiously stepped towards her, Callie slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine. They weren't cold, like she was coming to tell me to fuck off; they were soft, warm, almost as if she was opening herself to me. "I don't want it to be over either Calliope." I said a third time, taking another cautious step towards Callie.

"Arizona, I—I don't know what you just heard, but if you let me expl—" Callie started, obviously worried about how much I had just overheard.

"Callie, it's okay. You don't need to explain anything. I'm the one that needs to explain, to apologize for the way I handled things. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to tell you why I ran; why it's taken me so long to come back. I'll walk away after this if—"

"I don't want—" Callie tried to interrupt.

"—if that's what you want, but first I need you to promise me something Calliope." Hesitantly I took a step forward, gently placing one of my hands on Callie's right hip where I knew the butterfly scar to be. "Promise me if you ever, _EVER_ feel the need to do something like this again you'll tell someone. It doesn't even have to be me, but I wish you would. But not after you've already done it. _Before_, so you don't have to feel alone in this ever again. Promise me. Please, Calliope."

Stepping back, almost into the bunk beds of the on-call room, Callie looked at me with her big, beautiful brown eyes, almost as if she was studying my body language. I knew it wouldn't be easy for her to trust me; I had run away and didn't talk to her for more than a week, but there was no way I could leave her. Not when I knew in my heart that she was who I was meant to be with. There was a lot we still had to work out, but this was an important first step.

Looking down at her shoes, Callie replied at barely a whisper. "Okay, I promise. But why—why do you care so much now? You ran away, Arizona, for eight days. Eight days," Callie sighed; sitting down onto the bottom bunk bed. "Eight days, is such a long time."

She looked so sad, so confused, so lost. I knew there was only one way to make her understand why I ran. Maybe it wouldn't be enough to explain eight days' worth, but hopefully it would mean something. Carefully watching her facial expressions, I sat down next to Callie on the bottom bunk, turning my body so that I was facing her.

"I know eight days is a long time. If I had known how to start, I would've been back sooner. I just—I don't know how to explain what seeing you so hurt, so broken did to me." Taking her hands into my own, I will her to look up into my eyes so she could see how much I meant what was coming next.

"I've been there Callie." Her head jerking up, warm brown eyes colliding with my blue ones. Just on the edge of tears, I forced myself to continue. "I know what it's like to go down that road, be so lost that you don't know which end is up. It's called an addiction for a reason; the darkness overwhelms you, traps you, takes away you will to fight. I didn't run for the reasons you think. I ran for much more selfish reasons."

Pausing to take a deep breath before my tears overflowed, Callie grasped my hands tighter.

"You've been there been there? You mean, you know other people—friends, girlfriends—who've dealt with this before?" Callie asked. I could tell her mind was racing, her lips puckered and her muscled tightened.

"Yes. Well, no, not exactly. Just let me get this all out Callie." I replied, using my thumbs to make small circles over the backs of her hands. I felt her hands go slack, confusion clouding her warm brown eyes. She turned her whole body to face me now; a determined look set on her face.

"Then what?" She said, tentatively.

Releasing her hands, I slowly removed sat back on the bunk bed. Leaning against the wall, I inhaled— "You remember me saying that I had a brother?" I started cautiously.

"Yea, he was a few years older, your best friend. What does that-?" Callie started, her words beginning to trail off.

"Tim was a soldier in Iraq, on his third tour when the unit he was in got ambushed. Half of Tim's unit died that day, the rest were sent to a hospital in Germany and then transferred to hospitals back in the U.S."

"Arizona, I-I'm so sorry, but I still don't get what this has to do with—"

"Just let me finish Calliope." I said, much harsher than necessary. "Tim made it home, but he-he wasn't the same person. The light in his eyes, the fiery soul that I knew, was gone. I knew of PTSD, read about it, saw stories on the news about soldiers returning home broken, lost, but I never thought that my brother would be one of them." I could no longer hold in the tears that had been building in my eyes. Pulling my knees into my chest, I tried to catch my breath before continuing.

Still looking completely confused, Callie warily asked, "If Tim made it home, then why did you say _had_? That you _had a brother_?"

Gathering up all the strength I possibly could, I exhaled slowly. "Because Callie, Tim might have made it home physically, but mentally he was still on the battlefield. Two months after being released from the hospital, he wasn't getting any better; drinking all the time, going to the shooting range at all hours of the night. I was scared, but he kept telling me not to worry, that he just needed time. One night I went over to his apartment, the door was unlocked so I went inside. He wasn't in the main living area, so I knocked on the door to his room. When I got no answer, I thought maybe he'd just forgotten to lock the front door when he left. But Tim never forgot to lock the door; if anything he would triple-check the locks. When I opened the door to his room—I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't do anything—because there was my brother, ju-just lying on the floor. Dead."


End file.
